How Working with Ill
Children Transformed me into a Political Conservative
Eli should have been an
unhappy kid, but he wasn't. In fact, he was so full of energy and
optimism that the medical staff couldn't wait for his appointment
day. Eli, nine, had been blind since the age of two, had undergone a
kidney transplant, and had a cerebral shunt. Why was Eli so happy
when Jonathan, 14, was bitter and depressed? Jonathan suffered from
end-stage renal disease and was on dialysis, but he was not blind and
didn't have a cerebral shunt. The answer is what transformed me from
a card-carrying “bleeding heart liberal” into a conservative.
Eli's parents never felt
sorry for him, despite his significant health challenges. They
required Eli to make his bed and clean his room every day, just like
his brothers and sisters. He was allowed to ride his bike in the
back yard and was taken to the movies with the rest of his family,
who provided him with running commentary about what was happening on
screen. On the other hand, Jonathan's parents were riddled with
guilt about their son's illness and compensated by giving into his
every whim. Once I heard Jonathan ask the dialysis nurse why she
was so demanding (that he finish his full 4 hours of
dialysis) and didn't feel sorry for him “like everyone else.”
Over the many years I worked as a Pediatric Psychologist, treating children with chronic
and terminal illnesses, one thing has become clear: If you treat
ill children with respect – i.e., by setting limits, making demands
that are reasonable for their ages and medical condition, etc. –
they will function at the best of their ability. In summary, one
must never let a child's illness obscure his or her psychological and
social strengths. When we feel sorry for ill children (or adults who
are physically or mentally-challenged for that matter), we are
treating them with a lack of respect and are, in fact, simply
indulging our own emotional needs.
And there's the rub.
In my
“bleeding-heart-liberal” days, my heart sincerely ached for the
poor and disenfranchised. I worked ceaselessly on behalf of poor
children and their families. I was determined to help defeat the
requirement that single mothers be required to work in order to
receive welfare benefits. I was appalled that society was demanding
so much of these “poor women!” What I did not understand then
was that my well-meant concern did not take into consideration the
considerable strengths of those I so wanted to help.
Dr. Ben Carson makes a lot
of sense to me these days, particularly as a child psychologist.
Children who are not educated at home to respect
authority, to delay gratification, and who receive privileges without
earning them, will grow up to believe that they “deserve” those
things and those opportunities that others work so hard to achieve.
Indeed, many children I've worked with, when asked what they would
like to be when they grow up, answer “rich and famous.” But they
are unable to describe HOW they plan to achieve their objective!
As a society, we have
rightly been concerned with our public educational system. However,
we have neglected, the nature of the education our children receive
at home. Society, reinforced by social media, have
confirmed young people's notion that they can have anything they want
whenever they want it and, in fact, that they deserve it!
And that is the crux of the
matter. I no longer believe that anyone is “entitled” to
anything. Indeed, the greatness of
the United States of America is that it's still a country where
anything is possible – if we are willing and prepared to earn
it. Unfortunately, too many people now believe that they are
“entitled” to social and monetary support. And our government
has indulged their fantasy. Of course, those who are ill or unable
to care for themselves MUST be assisted, but they represent a far
smaller proportion of American society than is now receiving public
assistance.
And so, I now watch Fox
News regularly, to the shock and dismay of friends and family, many
of whom think that political conservatives are ogres. I disagree. I
see the conservative perspective as a positive and optimistic one
that respects individuals and has confidence that they can make the
decisions that are best for them.
Perhaps those who now worry
about the alarming decrease in social mobility should regard the
problem as less of a social ill and give more weight
to the contribution being made by the distorted attitudes and beliefs
of individuals regarding what society owes them.
